(FREE STUFF – HUMOR)
I stand with my morning cup of coffee and wait for the dogs to finish eating. “OK, dogs . . . listen.”
They do not listen. There is nothing but the sound of desperate slobbery eating. Neither dog is confident that the food that arrives every morning at this time will stay in its bowl and wait to be consumed.
Hurry! Eat the food before she hits the invisibility switch and we starve to death!
They have no leftover attention to pay to me.
I wait for them to finish.
“You done? OK, come here, because we need to talk.”
They come running over to me and sit expectantly, waiting for me to open the sliding glass door into the back yard.
“You need to pay attention, OK?”
The dogs stare at me.
“I’m not playing, dogs. This is important.”
The dogs stare at me.
I slide open the door.
Both dogs run joyfully out into the back yard.
“Seriously, dogs? Did I not say we needed to talk? Get back here and listen to me!”
Both dogs ignore me completely.
“OK, fine! You’re just going to have to figure this out for yourselves.”
I slide the glass door shut.
I sip my coffee and watch them. They run and play and go potty and run and play some more.
Yay! Back yard! We love the back yard! It is so awesome out here! This is the best place in the world to be! Back yard rocks! Oh wait! You know what would be even better than the back yard? The house! We love the house! YAY! Let’s go in the house!
They come barreling back across the yard, leaping up onto the deck and tumbling over one another to be the first to get back into the …
THUD.
Thud.
I sip my coffee as the dogs shake their heads and look up at me confusedly through the glass …
Where did this force field come from?
I slide the door open a bit and step out onto the deck. “OK, this is what I tried to tell you a few minutes ago when you were all full of disobedient sass.”
The dogs stare at me.
“So here’s the deal, dogs. Mark and the girls are coming home tomorrow.”
The dogs wag their tails.
“I know, right? I miss them too. OK, but listen. This thing where I leave the sliding glass door open all day and you guys just wander in and out of the house? That has to end today. Mark HATES that … no way he is going to put up with that.”
Did she say the family is coming back? I thought she killed them! Where have they been? We love the family! Yay!
The dogs wag their tails.
“So are we clear? This door here is no longer open all day. You guys have to wait for someone to open it for you.”
The dogs agree that they completely understand.
“Alright, so let’s practice.” I step back into the house and shut the door behind me. I turn to stare at the dogs, who both run out into the back yard to play again. I sip my coffee and watch them.
Oh my god! It’s the back yard! We love the back yard! This is the best place in the whole world! There is grass to roll in and berries to eat and toys to play with and the back yard is awesome! Yay! Let’s run and chase and play and bark and … Oooooh, you know what would be better than the back yard? The house! Yay! We love the house! Let’s go in the house!
THUD.
Thud.
I slide the door open and let them into the house. “Seriously, dogs? I just explained this.”
The dogs lie on the kitchen floor and think about things.
That force field is wicked hard … my head hurts … mine too! What did we do to make her punish us like this? Were you bad? Why are you assuming it’s me who has been bad when you are the one who keeps farting everywhere she hates that. Fine, so you are just perfect. Something has made her hate us. Think. Think. Think … Oooooh … you know what would be better than thinking? Playing in the back yard! Yay!
THUD.
Thud.
I walk over and stand over the two of them. Both dogs have their skulls pressed hard against the glass as though they might somehow just push right through it.
We can see the back yard but we are so not in the back yard. How did this happen? WE CAN SEE THE BACK YARD! Push harder … we have to get out there. We love the back yard!
“Oh my god, dogs. You are so stupid. It’s a door … this door has been here since we moved to this house. How have you completely forgotten how it works?”
Wag your tail and maybe she will lower the force field.
Wag, wag, wag.
“Dogs, watch … I know I have been leaving it open for you, but it’s a door. Remember?”
I slide it back and forth as they watch me. “See? Open and then shut and then open and then shut. See? Seriously, dogs … you have done this before. Think back.”
The dogs eye me suspiciously.
She is going to kill us just like she killed the family.
I open the door wide and usher them out. They walk past me with nervous posture and rolling eyes.
We love the back yard but not enough to die for it … keep an eye on her and walk carefully until we are all the way out in the … BACK YARD! We love the back yard! We will play and we will jump and we will chase! Back yard is the best place ever! Yay! We will stay in the back yard forever because it is so awesome out here! Yay! Ooooh … you know what would be even better than the back yard? The house! We love the house! Let’s race to see who is the first one to get back into the …
THUD.
Thud.
Sigh.
Brrrrriiiiinnnnng.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Kris! Are you enjoying your last day alone?”
“I have been training the dogs.”
“What?”
THUD.
Thud.
Sigh.