First, an Amazon review of Fightball: Dying of Suck from Nancy N. Le …
“BUY THIS BOOK!!!! [Fightball] is an amazing book. I laughed every time I picked it up. A lot. It’s as unique as the people in it. I’m grateful for all the joy it gave me. FIVE STARS!”
Fightball: Dying of Suck. Available now. Laughter included.
Yay!
And now … on with the words …
I’m standing in the middle of a field texting someone (the conversation doesn’t matter, although if it helps to paint a picture, it’s a lot of me saying no to various demand-requests from a teenager). It’s one of those conversations that requires I stand still, because although yes … I can walk and text at the same time, especially through an open field … being adamant in the smiley-emoticon face of this particular teenager’s wily manipulations requires that I stand my ground in literal as well as figurative fashion. I stab repeatedly at my phone … no … No … NO.
As I stand and deny, Jack the badly behaved terrier explores the extent of his leashed captivity. He circumscribes a circle with a taut-tethered 5-foot radius, and then, instead of cavorting about within the confines of this large grassy circle, he just keeps tracing the same circle as I stand at the compass point. I stupidly text more words than simply “NO,” having been teenager-tricked into defending and explaining my position, and as I type, I turn in a slow stationary circle so as to avoid being wrapped up in terrier.
I stare as Jack picks a point on the circle’s circumference and marks it with a copious amount of urine. He then re-walks the complete perimeter, nose to the ground, leaping up in startlement when he arrives back at the marked point, sniffing wildly. A text response comes in that requires I word-throttle the girl at the other end of the exchange; I type angrily as I turn in slow circles and listen to Jack’s unspoken monologue.
ALRIGHT, THE MOMENT DEMANDS CALM. I’VE BEEN TAKEN HOSTAGE. ROPED BY MY NECK LIKE AN ANIMAL. WHO IS AT THE OTHER END OF THIS ROPE … LOOK AT HER WITHOUT LOOKING AT HER …. HOODED EYES, JACK … HOODED EYES AND SURREPTITIOUS GLANCES … DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT SIMPLY GATHER INTELLIGENCE … ALRIGHT WHAT HAVE I LEARNED … THE CAPTOR IS LARGE AND STUPID-LOOKING, BUT SHE IS CARRYING WHAT MAY BE A REMOTE DETONATOR AND SO I MUST BE CAREFUL NOT TO RILE HER. MY TRAINING KICKS IN BECAUSE I HAVE LIVED MY ENTIRE LIFE PREPARING FOR THE MOMENT I AM TAKEN PRISONER OF WAR BECAUSE MAKE NO MISTAKE THIS WHOLE PET THING HAS BEEN A WAR FROM THE START.
ASSESS ASSESS ASSESS … THAT IS CLEARLY A DETONATOR SHE IS HOLDING AND SO MY WORST FEARS HAVE BEEN REALIZED. WHAT THEY CLAIMED WAS THE MERE INSERTION OF A LOCATER CHIP WAS ACTUALLY THE PLACEMENT OF A SMALL EXPLOSIVE DEVICE. ONE FALSE MOVE AND SHE BLOWS MY HEAD OFF. ALRIGHT, SO THAT’S THE PLAN … NO FALSE MOVES.
CAREFULLY NOW … EXPLORE THE EXTENT OF THE CAPTIVITY. LOOK FOR ESCAPE ROUTES. LOOK FOR MY MOMENT.
ALRIGHT, IT’S A GRASSY CIRCLE. I’M DOOMED!
CALM. THE MOMENT DEMANDS CALM. WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?
DIG A TUNNEL TO FREEDOM! NO GOOD. I’M TENDER-PAWED.
CHEW THROUGH THE ROPE! LET’S SEE … OW. IT’S DRY AND HURTY. NO GOOD.
APPEAL TO STRANGERS FOR ASSISTANCE! WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD AND THERE ARE NO STRANGERS. MY TEDDY-BEAR CUTENESS HAS BEEN RENDERED MOOT.
MAKE A BREAK FOR FREEDOM WHEN SHE RELAXES HER GRIP ON THE LEASH! OK, BUT THEN SHE WILL USE THE REMOTE DETONATOR TO BLOW MY HEAD OFF AND THAT WOULD BE BAD.
BITE THE EVILDOER! OK, SHE WOULD TOTALLY BLOW MY HEAD OFF.
BARK TO ALERT POSSIBLE RESCUERS! HEAD BLOWN OFF.
DAMN THE EVILDOER!
WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO … WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER … WAIT!
I CAN LEAVE A MESSAGE! SOMEONE WILL EVENTUALLY READ MY MESSAGE OF DESPAIR AND HE OR SHE WILL RESCUE ME AND I WILL BE SAVED!
ALRIGHT, I NEED TO FIND THE PERFECT SPOT. WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER … THERE … peeeeeeeeeeeeeeee … THE PERFECT COGENT MESSAGE OF CRISIS PENNED IN URINE.
NOW TO WAIT FOR RESCUE. IN THE MEANTIME, I CAN’T JUST WITHER AWAY. I CAN’T JUST STAGNATE. WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER … NOSE TO THE GROUND …
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THERE IS A MESSAGE! WHO LEFT THE MESSAGE? HOW DID I MISS THE AUTHOR? A NOTE FROM MY RESCUER! SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF … LET’S SEE … WHAT DOES IT SAY?
RESCUE ME I AM HOSTAGE PLUS ADORABLE PRISONER OF WAR HEAD MIGHT BE BLOWN OFF WATCH THE DETONATOR HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME I AM A WAR-DOG HELD AGAINST MY WILL KILL THE WOMAN KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER AND I WILL LIVE IN THE WILD WITH THE WILDEBEASTS AND BUNNIES PLUS ALSO I WILL DO ARMY STUFF TO SAVE THE WORLD OBVIOUSLY.
ALRIGHT, THAT IS VERY DISAPPOINTING. APPARENTLY THERE IS ANOTHER HOSTAGE IN NEED OF RESCUE LEAVING MESSAGES SIMILAR TO MY MESSAGE AND SO LET ME JUST WRITE OVER THIS MESSAGE WITH THE TRAGIC NEWS THAT …
I CANNOT HELP YOU IDIOT WAR-DOG AS I AM PRISONER MYSELF. STOP PISSING ON MY PERIMETER UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING USEFUL TO SAY.
WALK THE PERIMETER BE VIGILANT WALK THE PERIMETER BE VIGILANT WALK THE … THERE IS ANOTHER MESSAGE! LET ME JUST READ … SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF …
I CANNOT HELP YOU IDIOT WAR-DOG AS I AM PRISONER MYSELF. STOP PISSING ON MY PERIMETER UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING USEFUL TO SAY.
AUAUUAGHGHGHGHGHGH! IS THIS PRISONER INVISIBLE? HOW DID HE LEAVE ANOTHER MESSAGE WITHOUT ME SEEING HIM? I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW HE GOT TAKEN HOSTAGE … HE’S BASICALLY AS DUMB AS A ROCK. LET ME PEE ANOTHER MESSAGE AND MAKE THINGS CLEAR …
STOP PISSING ON MY PRISON CIRCUMFERENCE. I NEED MY MESSAGES TO BE READ BY AN ACTUAL RESCUER AND YOUR STUPIDITY IS MUDDLING THE ALARM CALL. GO FIND YOUR OWN PATCH OF PRISON WALL ON WHICH TO WRITE YOUR DESPAIR. I CANNOT HELP YOU. STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY FUCKING BABY AND MAN UP.
WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER WHIMPER A LITTLE MANLY BIT ABOUT THE HOPELESSNESS OF THE WORLD AND MEANINGLESS OF EXISTENCE AND THE ILLUSION OF FREEDOM AND WALK THE PERIMETER … ANOTHER MESSAGE!
SNIFF SNIFF …
OH NO INVISIBLE WAR-DOG IMBECILE … YOU DID NOT JUST TELL ME TO STOP BEING A WHINY FUCKING BABY AND MAN UP … YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
ALRIGHT, FORGET RESCUE … THIS IS PERSONAL NOW … peeeeeeee … there.
WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER WALK THE PERIMETER WALK … sniff sniff sniff …
OH, YOU DID NOT JUST PISS ME A MESSAGE TELLING ME TO FUCK OFF.
peeeeeee …
NO YOU FUCK OFF.
peeee …
perimeter …
NO YOU FUCK OFF.
peeeee …
perimeter …
NO YOU FUCK THE FUCKITY FUCKEDNESS FUCK OFF.
peeeee …
perimeter …
I shove my phone in my pocket. “Hey, Jack?”
He looks up at me … mid-piss … NO YOU FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKNESS GO FUCK YOURSe … he cocks his head questioningly at me.
“Come on, Jack … we have to go home and strangle people.”
He wags his tail happily and trot-bounces alongside me, pausing to leave one last message for the world to read …
NEVER MIND.
And to the teenager?
No.
Clicked for Jack, stayed for the word throttling!
Yeah, okay. No, I didn’t. I always read it. Always. But I’m not particularly funny today as I am wildly side-tracked (with good things, no worries) and was compelled to comment because “word-throttle”!
Hee hee.
But about these side-tracking good things …
I love that Jack was so ready to assist you in the people strangling. Quite the loyal warrior.
Jack enjoys having a clear and homicidal mission.
I love Jack.
I had more and better words, but my mind is all occupied with the cleaning I’m not doing, the snacks I want to go make, and the possibility that I should just go to bed…
So…yeah, love the Jack.
Hee hee. Jack is awesome.
Terrible.
But awesome.
Snort! Oh Jack.
Hee hee.
I adore your brain. This just made my morning!
Awww … THANK YOU.
No, thank YOU! Your words are a gift, and I love opening up each post like a present.
You make me smile.
So now the jaunty little pirate deftly shifts into International Man of Mystery mode, James Bond trapped behind enemy lines. I LOVE when you channel Jack, the charming little psycho. :D
Plus teddy bear cuteness AND a microchip to blow off his head? Brilliant!
I like to imagine him as a psychotic sort of Snoopy …
“Here’s the WWII Flying Ace …”
HA!
Oh my goodness, he so is!
RIGHT??
The thought always makes me smile.
Do you think Jack actually thinks Jack is his name? I could seem him referring to himself as Prince Butch of the Fuck You Ups or something like that.
Well, he answers to Jack, but in my imagination, he prefers whatever name suits the fantasy life he is living in that moment.
This morning, he is: Jackdaw Hansel, MAN OF OVEN EXPLORATION
Also singed.